The Diary of Consuelo Ortiga Y Perez

The Diary of Consuelo Ortiga y Perez * 16 September 1882 We own met two more than Filipinos unrivaled is called Rizal and the some other, Perio. 30 September 1882 Rizal brought me a rumpe this morning which is rise of sugar and one cannot tell how it was put inside. 01 9 October 1882 Rizal says that he goes out neertheless to go to the medical school and to come here at night. 18 January 1883 Rizal talked with me for a prospicient time, almost the whole night. He told me that I was very(prenominal) talented, that I was very diplomatic, and that he was going to notice if he could extract some truth from me within two weeks that I was mysterious and that I had a shroud over my ideas.He asked me who my favorite author was I go intot pick out what I answered him because I was no longer feeling well. Lete told him that neither had he understood me and I utter that it was easy and I was sure that Rizal would visualize me forthwith. Now Im sorry for having give tongue to th is. Have I not disposed(p) him hope with it? Rizal told me that he detested amiable women because when they smiled, men imagined that they did so for some intimacy else. As he had told me the night before that I was very amiable, I understood that he meant it and I left him so that he would not pay a mis con.A man should first psychoanalyze the ground and if he checks that the smile is fore everybody he ought not to pay attention to her smiles because in distri only ifing them so freely they lose all their meaning. 26 February 1883 . . . Rizal is also in love he has not declare this but almost, almost. He told me last night that he had a sickness that would not leave him except when traveling and that was only perchanc4. He also told me and I understood why, that two brothers had killed each other because both played the same card, that is, because both loved the same woman.He said that he had taken notice of one who was very tall for him but in spite of the fact that he had t urn ine it to amuse himself, it was useless. I listened to him with pleasure because he talks well and I fear that because of that he may think that Im big him hope, as it is in reality, but as it happens that I like his conversation, I ravage myself to it and thus when he goes away, Im sorry he comes and again I do the same thing. Lola 02 was telling me that we ought to go away this summer and I would be glad to see if by not seeing Filipinos I would avert a tempest that I see is near.I find myself in a position of not knowing which side to take Lete on one side, Rizal on the other, on another the two brothers 03 all attack and I have nothing with which to defend myself except my head, for I dont see, as I go nowhere, my former admirers, though it would be the same should I see them. Those who do not suit me for some reasons, and these neither for others in short, sometimes I fear I may lose my mind. 2 March 1883 Rizal asked me if I didnt miss another love. I said to him no, bu t that is false. For sometime now Im different.Before I didnt think of things Im idea of now. whence I had more suitors than now and I dont know if for that very reason I didnt give them raw even ten minutes. Now, on the other hand, I think of them and my opinion is divided between Rizal and Lete. The first one tempts me by his manner of speaking and because he seems to me a serious lad, though formal ones frighten me. 20 March 1883 Rizal was such(prenominal) preoccupied and I asked him what the trouble was. He said that he was mentation of certain changes. Youre sad and here sadness is forbidden to enter. Its true Ive been importunate. No Ive been the importunate one in construction that to you. I know, he said to me in result, that some are winning. At that moment another spoke to me preventing me fortunately from answering. Later he told me that I was giving it for his saints day. How? What do you mean? Nothing, nothing Ill explain it to you another day. I didnt wish to insist. In the afternoon he said to father that he might trouble him to see if he could finish his course this year.It seems that he motivations to go away. It is thus like a wound. Poor Rizal And unforesightful me who inspires love in those whom I cant love 2 April 1883 Rizal began to tell me I congratulate you, but I got only ambiguous phrases from him. At this point Lete was able to sit beside me and said to me Now we are going to adjust our accounts. Im very much irritated by the philosopher. (That is what he calls Rizal. ) Why? Because he is very attentive to you tonight. Havent you noticed a certain change in him? I? No. Well, he has suffered it greatly the other day he told me, Dont you know that Im fitting to like Consuelo? Yes? Then Im glad, I replied, and yesterday I went to his house and he was writing some verses. For whom are those verses? I asked him. For a newspaper in the Philippines. Are they, perchance, inspired by the ardent rays of Consuelos eyes? Chap, he replied, I dont need to be inspired. What do you think? That you exagge station I dont believe Ive such intentions. Hes very clever you dont know him. I laughed to myself, because I know all that by heart. (Here follows a long dialogue with Lete. ) At this point Esteban Villanueva 04 comes and says to Lete Come and close the door for Im leaving. He went but on leaving he took the chair with him. Rizal came full of jest and said to me Tell me, Consuelo, why does Lete take away the chair? Ask him. Later, Lete said to him. Ill explain. laterwards, Rizal said to me Tonight some(prenominal) will suffer from the lung and the heart. Then Lete said to me Understand from the lung for gambling from the heart, for you. And why give it that interpretation? Because it is his. I went later to get some copper coins that Antonio (Paterno) had in his vest pocket and when he surprised me, I said What a poor thief I am You can be sure of that, said Rizal to me, but of another thin g no. This vexed Lete and he and Rizal were peeved all night long. We Antonio, Rizal, and I arranged ourselves to play tute 05 and Rizal began to tell me things always circuitously until I told him that he had something that I didnt like and that is he was not frank enough. You speak in such a way that its necessary to think a great come up to to be able to understand you and I hope that in time Ill understand you. He became serious he put his hand to his eyebrow and said to me You know very well what I compliments to tell you, but theres no better system of avoiding answering then to ask questions but since you want me to tell you plainly, tell me if its true that one who comes afterwards arrives late. What Have they said that I said it? No cryptograph would say it. Then, you ask me if he who comes behind arrives late. Yes, thats it. If I were to tell you that, I would have to relate to you many things in my intimate life that Ive told nobody. Youre right, I ask you t o excuse me, but as youre so amiable, Ive dared 3 April 1883 My account having been interrupted yesterday, I continue it today. After awhile, Rizal said to me Im going to tell you a story. Lets see. She was a girl courted by two men. She was engaged to one and the other would tell her So and So wants to court you and when he would go away, she would laugh with the other at him. If I could get mad, I would. Why? Because youve called me a coquette. No because she wasnt to blame. It was to find out if she listened to both. I didnt want to say that, nor did the other tell her that he loved her but at any rate I ask you a thousand pardons and I withdraw whatever was offensive. I stood up for a moment and when I came back, Rizal, truly pressed, said to me Do you forgive me? Ive nothing to forgive because it was due to my excessive susceptibility. Why? Do you forgive me? I forgive and see how good I am for I impose no penance. Impose a penance on me, he said. April 1883 Last n ight some were absent, among them Rizal, a thing that surprised me. Lete said to me Ive come more than anything else to ask you a question. What? Rizal told me the other day that last Sunday, speaking with you, you told him that this summer many will be disappointed, and I want to know if Ill be one of them. Why do you want me to tell you a thing that I dont know? I spoke without knowing what I was saying. That indeed slipped from my tongue, as I was following my own thought more than the conversation in which I was engaged. I dont understand what you want to say. Well nothing I said that just to say something and now Im sorry for I see that my phrases are commented on. When Lete told me this I was displeased that Rizal had told him, but Lete told me later that Rizal told him in order that he would be warned. Ive already thought that since Rizal is so astute, hell make Lete averse to me to have one rival less. 16 April 1883 Rizal told me he has some plants that he has bought to day and that the first flower will be for me.He told Lete and me a story that he said belonged to my mythological times. He calls Papa Periandro and Lete Letidolis and himself Planchivis. He said that Periandro had a daughter to whom Diana had granted the gift of loving all men and afterwards he added women. In short, the story was long and I dont remember all of it, but in it he spoke of everything and explained our respective situations. 7 May 1883 Last night I was in the corridor when Rizal passed on his way out, but instead of leaving, we talked for more than an hour.He again repeated that he couldnt understand me, that I had a very black veil that hid my ideas from him, that many times he believed that a thing was done that in reality was not done, and it happened to him when poring over that instead of letters he always saw a figure. . . . He brought me a flower, the first that his plant bore. 14 may 1883 (Dialogue between Consuelo and Lete about their engagement) At this poi nt I opened my handbag and I saw the flower Rizal had given me last Sunday and without caring a whit, showed it to him.Everybody knew it and Rizal, however much he tried to dissimulate, was very happy. Afterwards I was sorry but there was no remedy. Lete then said to me Youve unplowed the flower. Yes I was removing things my handbag was open and I dropped the flower into it just as I would have done with any other thing. Youre a terrible woman, Rizal said. It seems unbelievable Its atrocious, with that sweet reflection you take delight in mortifying since this night you have make me suffer so much and you do nothing but laugh. I want to laugh now if by chance I may have to cry later. I would be glad. Thanks, I said to Rizal. He didnt know that I was at the point of crying. I dont remember what Rizal said that Lete said to me Youll not make me quarrel with my friend. I? Why? Because its so. It will not be serious. Who knows, perhaps you will be the first cause. For Gods sak e, dont frighten me for Im terrified Lete is so good, added Rizal, interrupting the conversation. One night I gave him such great fright when he was alone at one house that he left so angry that I saw him cry.Nevertheless, the other day, we made up. You have seen me cry? Where? Here in the house? Lete objected, grateful for that affectionate praise. The other didnt reply and I became very curious. Have they had some displeasure between them? 9 June 1883 For two Sundays all the Filipinos harbourt come. Rizal was here the other afternoon and he said he had not come on account of the examinations and that he came out well in every one of them. The poor one is very enthusiastic and Im sorry. Enthusiasm, they say, is contagious, but I cant be infected.Im quite mortified that they have so soon forget me for some nobodies 06 who, according to my information, are not even pretty, but Ill be very careful so that theyll not be vain thinking of another thing and in case its calculation a s I imagine. 11 June 1883 Rizal and Antonio (Paterno) who were at the Retiro yesterday brought me flowers and they told me to go there, but I havent gone because those girls go and I dont want to be obliged to speak with them. Rizal told me he was going to Paris to distract himself, to bring back himself of an illness contacted a year ago.Then he has seen others deceived by the amiability with which they have been treated and he was afraid the same thing might happen to him that he fell in love again and it seemed to him that he was going to be accepted and soon he was disappointed. Now its different because she belongs to a much higher class. I have, he said to me, too many aspirations. Man must always have them. Yes but when theyre too high theyre ridiculous. An aspiration is never ridiculous when its end is good and neither do I believe that you have aspired for the moon. No but its so vexed that I know it will accept only one with a great name or high position. I didnt ans wer him. What could I say to him? If I gave him hope, then later to tell him no would be a crime and I havent enough willpower to take all hope from him, because, despite everything, I like him. Tell me what you want from Paris. Nothing, may you enjoy much. You already know that Im going to study French, and what Ill try is to get curried if I dont succeed. Ill follow the currant. Lete and I have concluded a truce for the summer. Were in it, I said to him. When does it end? In September. Then on the day following, the end. In October? I asked, knowing what he wanted to say. Yes. And whats it, in what does it contain? Pardon me, for as its Letes also, I cant tell you. Dont say it then. 18 June 1883 Rizal has gone to Paris he says hell come back in September. Last night Antonio (Paterno) told me that as the train moved, he sent us many regards through him. Will he get cured? 23 August 1883 The other night Lete told me that on Monday he talked with Rizal for more than four ho urs. As a good friend, he said, I related to him everything, and now he saw that I had not been sincere towards him. Before, Rizal said to him, he didnt think of me, now the told him the opposite. Rizal asked him about the status of his race with me. He told him and he advised Lete not to go to Barcelona because If you go, he said, its possible she may not answer you on the 24th but on the 25th, or never, which is the same then, as soon as youre away shell get cold, in case shes becoming convinced, and as for me I cant be responsible to you.You know, Rizal continued, that I liked Ines and nevertheless I left her to Antonio (Paterno) with her I could have passed away the time, but with Consuelo no for this reason I have told you as a friend I advised you to marry her, but as Rizal, no. As hes noble, Lete continued, we have made a pact that hell say nothing until 24 October. He told me he had to answer a question you put to him. I asked him wit it was but he replied that he couldnt tell me because it was a secret. The following day Rizal came and brought two music sheets as a souvenir from Paris and some verses that I had asked him at the concert and others dedicated to me 07 which confirmed everything Lete had told me.They go with this diary to save me the trouble of writing them down and because I believe they reveal passion, not for an orthogonal one but for me who had inspired them, and for knowing their author. My question was if he already got cured, a kind of bold question which Im sorry I asked. 3 September 1883 I showed Rizals letter to Matilde. 08 She didnt like it and said there was a very bad intention in the polished piece. 0 October 1883 All the Filipinos came last night. Lete told me that he had asked Rizal what we were going to talk about, and replied that it was nothing. And he added Is it you who have to talk with him? Yes, I answered, what I regret is that you have told him Ill not say anything to him again. I, too, am sorry, but now n othing can be done. As Rizal was warned by Lete, several times he spoke to me and asked me as formerly if I would win in the game but I didnt want to have a conference with him to show Lete I was not kindle and, besides, it was already becoming difficult.I went with Papa yesterday to see the king returning from his excursion. The enthusiasm was great. . . . We were also carried away in that surge and when it cleared a subatomic I heard a voice telling me Over here, Consuelo. It was Maximino (Paterno) who was with his brother, Ventura (Valentin), and Rizal. The last asked me if I knew why all were so studios. Because they have realized the evil they were doing and they abjured their errors. No because they have learned that its a prerequisite to certain things to have a career and for that reason they study in order to aspire for them. We talked a great deal and I dont remember everything. If I believed in certain things, I continued, I would say that youre immortal. Immortal? For many things. For none I believe it seems to me that Ill die soon and if one thing that Ive thought of and I havent told anybody occurs, Ill force out you wherever you may be to show you Im right. Ill note down what you have told me as soon as I get home. What interpretation had he given to my words? Later he told me that he believed in nothing, that he had no faith. And how can you live? Without it. On the contrary I think we ought to believe in something that may encourage us in our undertakings and may comfort us in our misfortune. When a curate says it, I dont believe it if you should say it, I would believe it. God grant that I may have power to make you believe He kept silent and after awhile he said to me Neither do I believe in the love of parents mine love me, but they would not remember me if I would not return or Im delayed ten years in returning. Dont say that I believe little and if you speak to me thus, Ill believe in nothing.The love of parents doesnt die . Ive not been a father, undoubtedly for that reason. . . . I neither, but I judge filial love by the paternal. Ive separated from Papa for some twenty days and when the train left I was very happy. . . . It seemed to me I was going back home at night, but upon arrival at the town where I was going, despite my efforts and Im not given to tears, I couldnt control myself and I cried . . . and everyday I remembered him. You must have been alone. No my brother was with me. We dont speak of those loves. And the others? Oh, we are agreed on those. When I was small I heard it said that friendship couldnt exist between two boys, and I said What has distinct sex got to do with it? I wished to try the experiment and I see its true. I believed in a friend, nothing more than a friend, and we broke up quarreling. I would be yours if that wee not too much for me, I cant aspire. . . . And if its granted to you? They interrupted us in order to overcome the street, and then Sanmarti, 09 whom we met, stood beside me. Rizal also asked me what I would say if Lete would ask me how I spent the day. The truth, I replied. Then, Ill tell him that I spent it very well, and then I saw the Queen and the King. Youve been more fortunate than I, I said to him as if I didnt understand him. The Queen was beside a gentleman sic. . . . . It seems to me Lete would not be very much satisfied for God knows what Rizal would tell him. When all had left, Rizal told Papa for me to hear Spain ought to ally herself with another nation. Papa No sir Spain is all right as she is. Rizal Its time she ceases to be a second class power. Papa You know Spains history, therefore you know that whenever she allied herself with other powers she lost rather than gained. Rizal However, an alliance with a young, rich, and strong nation, I believe, in the present circumstances and even in the future must be beneficial to her, though it may be only a support that a weakened monarchy needs. . . . Weakened? How? Never has it rested on a more solid foundation never was it more loved by the people that see in it the symbol of regeneration, of peace, of new life. Rizal Right, Don Pablo, but only in form, not at the bottom, as it represents the symbol. The people, as part of it, loves the monarchy per accidens, Contingently, indirectly, by virtue of some chance, circumstance, or happening. Latin for, by happenstance. Opposite of per se. rly because it represents the peace of Spain which it loves per se, because it still believes in that longed-for regeneration of its medieval grandeur but the primates of the people adore above all someone who is determined to take possession of her with the same purpose of governing her.